My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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