This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
