idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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