So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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