Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
