Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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