you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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