my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
