so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
