i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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