i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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