We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
