I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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