I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
