My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
