3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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