Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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