I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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