What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
