Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
