I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
