Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
