I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
