The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
