rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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