I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
