I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
