It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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