Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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