I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
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When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
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call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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