I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
