I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
