Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
