It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
