We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
