I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
