the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Randomize
