I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
