Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
