just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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