My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
