i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
