my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
