onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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