how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
