I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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