Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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