Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Im part way to drunk.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
