Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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