My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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