Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
