respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Did we literally take a cab across the street
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
