I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
