Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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