I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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