im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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