Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
