You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
